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Growing up with such memories were hard, especially being back home where such things were considered a taboo, that is also another reason why I left my country at a young age to forget about it in hopes I can move on.
I can't deny that it affected me greatly.
I turned to alcohol and drugs, anything that can make me feel something. I'm not proud of it but it is what it is.
I never understood why people look up to me, I feel like I'm fooling everyone.
I was a mess, just trying to achieve my dreams and forget about my pain.
It doesn't matter how fucked up I get or beautiful places I go, I hated that he is in my blood and he made me.
My pain caused more pain when I fell into severe depression, for the longest time I was stuck.
I couldn't create, I couldn't move forward, it feels like I'm stuck in limbo.
It affected my first marriage, I lost many good friends along the way because I hated myself so much I couldn't accept love and help.
I was destructive and I still am.
I went through five failed suicide attempts, I hung myself about a month ago, but two people saved me.
My boyfriend saved me, he has been there for me since I met him.
I was so close but I guess it just wasn't my time again.
I did that because I was tired, the idea of dying is such a release from living, coping with pain almost every day.
Suicide may sound selfish to you, but if you suffered it for so long it's a different story.
The only reason why I'm speaking up now is that I feel like I have to.
I'm Indonesian, I'm proud to be Indonesian but unfortunately, mental health is often shrugged back home and it is an issue that is not openly talked about.
I cannot stress enough how important this issue is, we need to be ok to talk about it, you should never be embarrassed if you are.
sumber: Tribun Solo